Meaning of These Tears
by DarthMittens
Summary: 'He couldn't go on like this, and knew what had to be done. He had known for a long while what needed to be done, no matter how much it hurt.'


**A/N: A One-Shot for a little warm-up before my planned continuance of "Hermione, I Miss You."**

**Meaning of These Tears**

Harry groaned as he took off his cloak and hung it on the peg next to the door, glad that his work day was finally over. Everything had been moving at a breakneck pace in the Aurors Department as they all collaborated in an effort to round up the last of the Death Eaters. It had been seven years since the end of the war against Voldemort, and Harry could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. He had done little else but focus on finally eradicating the source of so much evil and despair in the wizarding world, doing so to the point that Ron had called him a fanatic more than once.

He could hear his girlfriend, Hermione, talking in the living room. His heart fell a little as he thought of her, and everything that had happened since they had started going out six years ago. She had confessed that she loved him about eight months after the final battle, and he had happily responded. He didn't know what had happened over the past six years, but they had become more and more estranged as time went by, and he hardly saw her anymore and had no idea what she was up to.

He focused on what she was saying for a few seconds in an attempt to prepare himself for a conversation that hopefully wouldn't be awkward, as most of their recent conversations had been.

"Nothing's wrong, Mum," she said, and Harry was surprised to hear how tired she sounded. It was no wonder her mother thought there was something wrong with her. Harry wondered what the problem could be. "I'm fine. I promise. Harry's...doing fine. Yeah. Okay, love you too Mum."

Harry waited twenty seconds to make it seem as though he hadn't heard any of Hermione's conversation with her mother. He softly sighed as he saw her curled in a ball on the couch, facing away from the door he had just come through as she softly cried.

This wasn't the first time Harry had walked into such a scene. They were happening more and more frequently, and each time they did Harry grew more and more angry. Not at Hermione-no, never-but at himself, since he was the cause of this. He couldn't go on like this, and knew what had to be done. He had known for a long while what needed to be done, no matter how much it hurt.

"Why don't you just leave already?" he said coolly, surprising even himself with his tone. He hadn't meant to be that detached.

Hermione bolted up onto her feet and whirled around to face him, Harry keeping his face passive even when he saw how red her eyes were. She had been crying for a while. "Wh-wha...? H-Harry?"

Harry bunched his right hand into a fist, forcing each miserable word out one after another. "I said, 'Why don't you just leave already?'"

Hermione, who was obviously confused, sniffled and said, "I don't get it; why would I leave?"

Harry was getting angrier as his disgust at himself continued to rise. "I'm not stupid, Hermione. I know why you're crying."

Hermione defiantly said, "Then why am I crying? Enlighten me."

Harry took a moment to fight off the burning in his throat before saying in an even tone, "You're crying because I'm never there when you need me. You're crying because you hate being so lonely. You're crying because you're too nice to break up with me, so you're suffering silently instead."

"No, Harry-"

Harry wouldn't let her interrupt now, not when he was finally saying what needed to be said. He was afraid that if he stopped, he wouldn't be able to continue. "You're making me be the bad guy to the very end. But since I've been the bad guy for so long, I don't mind being the bad guy for a little longer."

"Harry, stop for just a-"

"No, Hermione!" Harry shouted, surprising her. "You deserve so much more than what you get from me. All I do is hold you back." Hatred towards himself built even further, making his head spin. "So why don't you get the fuck out!"

Hermione winced at the curse he used and his tone of voice, but softly replied, "Harry, all I want-"

"Fucking yell at me, Hermione!" Harry shouted, seeing red. "Stop being so fucking nice when I'm such a bad person! All it does is make me hate myself more!"

"Harry, stop-"

"I'm sick of you crying all the time, Hermione! I'm sick of you being lonely all the time and hurting because of me! I'm sick of feeling like the biggest piece of shit on this planet, even though I only have myself to blame!"

"Then-  
"So I'm going to be the bad guy one final time while you stay the good girl until the very end. Just...leave..." Harry said softly, his anger deflating as depression replaced it. He was doing the right thing...right?

Hermione took a shaky breath, her lips quivering. "I won't yell or curse at you, Harry. I won't l-leave you either."

Anger surged through Harry once more. Why was she torturing herself like this? "God dammit-"

"You're not a bad person either," she said, managing to effectively cut him off despite the soft tone of voice she was using. "No matter how much you're trying to fill that role right now, you're not a bad person. After all, I could never be so stupidly in love with you if you were a bad person."

"But-"

"I'm not giving up something I've put so much love and effort into so easily. I love you, Harry, and you're such a good person that you're trying to make me hate you so I'll stop hurting."

So she saw through him. "Hermione..."

"And you completely missed the mark as to why I'm crying," she said confidently despite the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm not crying because I'm lonely; I'm crying because I'm afraid we're going to lose what we have. I'm crying not because I want to leave, but because I want you to hold me and never let go. I don't want to leave," she said vulnerably.

Now Harry's throat was really burning, and he couldn't completely fight off the tears that were making his vision blur. What was he doing? What the fuck was he doing to his life and to the woman he was so desperately in love with that he would move heaven and earth just to make her smile?

He clutched his head in his hands to hide this weakness from Hermione. This was supposed to be the end, that was right. He was doing all of this so shit like this wouldn't have to happen. He was supposed to be the bad guy though; she couldn't see him crying like this or she would never leave.

His tears stopped when her arms wrapped around his back and she pulled herself close to him, tucking her head under his chin. "Hold me, Harry," she said softly. "Hold me like you used to."

Harry did as he was told, too weak to resist her in this state. He pressed his cheek against her hair and shook in her arms as he cried.

"Why don't you hate me?" he said shakily. "How could you possibly not hate me by now?"

Hermione was silent for a long while, seemingly content with just being in his arms. "I love you too much to hate you, Harry. I love you so much. I'm going to wait right here until you finish doing what you have to do, and I'm going to greet you with open arms and hold you and love you. I know you're almost done, Harry. I know why I've been delegated the back seat, and I'm sitting here happily because I know it's the right thing to do if we want to be happy for the rest of our lives."

Harry closed his eyes in relief as she said these words. She had been aware of the situation all along, and even though it hurt her to the extent that she frequently cried over it, she was willing to continue loving him to the very end. After all, what she had said was true. He would never feel at ease or in a position to love somebody with every fibre of his being if there were still Death Eaters out there killing people and causing mayhem. Because of who he was born as, he felt it to be his responsibility when a Death Eater killed somebody.

"You're far too good for me, Hermione," he said softly into her hair. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"You were you, Harry," Hermione replied, not allowing her grip on him to lighten in the slightest.

"When this is over, I'll be who both you and I want me to be," he said. "I'll be someone neither of us will hate."

"I know," Hermione replied. "That's why I'm waiting for you."

"I love you so much," Harry said, squeezing her tighter.

"I know," she said, smiling softly. "I love you too."

Overcome with emotion, Harry held onto her until he grew too tired to stand, knowing this one night would have to tide both of them over until Harry finished hunting down the last few Death Eaters.

If she was willing to wait for him, he would race as he fast as he could to reach her.


End file.
